I don’t know if I’ll ever completely feel like an adult. A lot of people tend to assume I’m much younger than I am (I’ve heard sixteen on the low end and 24 on the high end–I’m 33.) A lot of the time I find myself ‘casually’ mentioning my age or a pointed reference like ‘fifteen years since I graduated high school.’ I’ve had cause to explain to a doorman in the building where we live that I have in fact held jobs before having my daughter. To say that I hate it is an enormous understatement.
I have been working on a rewrite this past week of the piece I took into workshop last week. Much like the first piece I wrote for my essay class last spring, this rewrite specifically states my age. I hate feeling like this is necessary, but to be honest I felt a little uncomfortable in the first workshop. I feel like the feedback, while I definitely wrote a far better piece from it, was more negative than it would have been if I was (or was deemed) of peer age. Did I mention I have age insecurity? In spades?
I don’t really know yet if I like the group. I had just hoped it would be a little…homier, maybe? The problem with not getting out much is that when I do I tend to have all sorts of pipedreams about camaraderie and sisterhood and nonsense, and nothing is ever like that right away so I don’t know why I even work myself up. I just wish I didn’t worry so much about not being taken seriously.
It’s all women, which, well, I’d kind of like to have a male perspective to balance things out. I do really like the leader, who was my teacher last spring, and my favorite classmate from the essay class is in the group as well. Both are great for feedback, and I really respect and trust their opinions. The other women seem, well, I’m not usually friendly with women in that life folks call real. They have all been in the group together so I feel a bit outsider-y. I may be foisting flashbacks of cliques on them, and it’s certainly too soon to expect to have all bonded. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I guess I’ll see if my rewrite helps to explain a bit more about who and how I am.
Part of the reason that I like blogging is that it feels more like a lot of us are looking for common experience and something to relate to. In workshop, it’s more like we may relate or we may not, but it’s hard not carry a person’s writing over to the person since they’re sitting right in front of you. I struggled with this myself with one woman in my essay class, and had to do a lot of tongue-biting to not comment on content rather than effectiveness of writing. I feel like there is the potential to clash with one of the women in workshop, and since I’m new, I’m afraid it’s not going to be comfortable or as productive as I want it to be.
I’m a little nervous about taking my piece in again because either I totally sounded different than I intended or the group took my piece totally differently from what I intended. Again, could go either way. I felt very uncomfortable with some of the feedback, especially from one of the women who I felt was commenting more on my voice than my piece. I hate that, and I’m trying not to let it color what I take from the group. I’ve rewritten the piece a lot, and I’m going to take it in again, but I’m really afraid that, despite the piece being very different in everything but subject, the feedback is going to be based on the perceived tone of the first draft. Have I mentioned I’m a bit paranoid?
I do hope that once we’ve all read and have had a chance to understand a bit more about what everybody’s about, it won’t be so uncomfortable. If not, I’ll be looking for a new workshop when this is done. I’d so love if all of my writing friends were local so that there wasn’t so much getting to know people involved. I’d far rather have an online writing exchange.
And can someone please smack me the next time I write really? Really.
I have the opposite problem-I was routinely told I looked about 10 years older than I am from about 14 on up. I’m beginning to level off now, but it’s just as annoying sometimes. Good thing I’m an old soul. People assume that I’ve done things, seen things, shit, even my therapist was like “you aren’t MY age?”
I’m like, uh, no, I’m 20 years younger.
Keep writing. I get distracted from my prose, but I try to get back to it when I can. It’s hard. And you have to swallow your pride and just do it-remember that critisim (I can’t spell today) can and SHOULD be constructive when someone is helping you-it’s not personal. Writing is not something I consider a gift you’re born with. The “starter” might be there like sourdough, but you need to work the rest.
hang in there. I’m always willing to help if you’d like.
Thanks, Thordora. I think sometimes I tend to be so amazed that I’ve written in the first place that I get uber-sensitive. The group is actually quite good now that I’ve put the defenses down a bit, and I’m really happy with it. Still amazed that I’ve written anything, but you know. Practice
The age thing…I don’t know why anyone assumes they can guess other peoples’ ages.
I have the same problem I am 25 year old I have a son who is six and a daughter whos is 14 months old and I am married and I am right where all my other friends are with having kids and All and people always think that I look any where from 18 to 19 years old and if I dont wear any makeup they would problably think that I was 16 years old.It really has made me not want to do alot of things that normal people do because I always feel like people are staring at me judging me.I just want the respect of an adult if you know what I mean.