Festering Headstuff

The funny thing about the Internet is that there is so much we share but still so much that doesn’t come through in pictures or words.  See, y’all probably don’t know that I have a tic.  In my right cheek.  It gets really bad when I am stressed or anxious or upset.

It’s going like crazy lately.

I hate it, but it is one of the few things about me that never changes.

Tonight my psychiatrist asked me if I had ever tried anything to get it fixed.  I never really knew that I could until I was asked the same thing by the neurologist while I was hospitalized with the meningitis . And even though I spent so much time embarrassed by it, even though I cringe every time my husband asks me why I’m twitching, I lied and told him that no, it doesn’t bother me.

Tonight he asked me if I have any problems with obsessing.  And then if I have any compulsions.  And I told him about the one where I have to write or type words sometimes to get them out of my head and move forward.  And again he asked if this bothered me, and again I lied and said no.

And then he upped my script and I made my next appointment and I got outside and I walked home and I tried to figure out WHY DID I LIE?

Because I’m tired of there being all of these things wrong with me.  It feels like there’s always something else to add to my litany of defects, and frankly I’m sick of it.  I just want to take the pill, talk it out, grieve for the time I’ve spent being hurt or hurting myself and freaking move on.  And because it is a constant.  While I’m feeling such complete uncertainty about things, I know there are a couple that I can’t change and they are somehow comforting to cling to.

All the same, I think it’s time to see about getting the tic taken care of.