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Archive for February, 2007

I am, at heart, a completist. That is to say, conceptually. Practically, I never have anything finished no matter how much it negatively impacts my mental health. And, right now, having nothing finished is making me pretty negative.

One day I’m too tired to get out of the bed, the next I’m freaking out because I’ve been too tired to get out of the bed. Is there nothing in between? I need to do laundry, I need to clean bathrooms, I need to vacuum, I need to shower, I need to clear a path in Lucy’s room. I’ve lost the dining room table, every other flat surface in the living room, and part of the coffee table. None of it is that big, actually, but the whole picture is totally overwhelming.

I fail at housekeeping no matter how hard I try, and I’m tired of living in a pile of toys and clothes and cat hair. As I look around the living room, I see:
one heart slipper, one puzzle book, one straw hat, one pizza set, an undershirt, a small stuffed Boots the monkey, an assortment of plastic tools, nesting dolls of varying sizes. The dining room table is completely covered with my erstwhile centerpiece, C’s school crap, a baggie of magnets from Dinosaur Bingo, a kaleidescope, a magic wand (which is unfortunately nonfunctional.) I don’t even know what else is over there, honestly, and it hardly matters how much crap is strewn around the main areas here. The issue is that nothing is ever done.

I have been cranky for the past month straight. Maybe a little longer, but definitely since we got back from Florida. I haven’t wanted to do much of anything, which is part of why I’ve been so steadily absent from blogging. I’d love to say that in the time I’ve spent away from blogging I’ve been incredibly productive, but I decidedly have not. I’ve been distant, had emotional flare-ups, slept far more than any human really needs to, and generally not had very much fun with the day to day. Thing is, I know it’s not the cleaning, or probably even the never getting anything finished. I just don’t know what it is. In some ways I feel like, other than the housework, I’m doing things really right. The quitting smoking, the healthier eating, even being able to finish an essay in fewer drafts. At the same time, though, I feel lost and I’m being really hard on myself and everyone around me, which I hate but almost don’t realize I’m doing until it’s done.

I don’t know. I just don’t want to write anything today, I don’t want to go to workshop, I don’t want to have to talk to anyone because I can’t gauge how I sound lately and I’m really ready for this mood crap to be over.

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Ugh, sick

You know, I find it more than a little annoying that I am ailing from some mystery snotmonster attack that seems to have hit every part of my head save the part I can blow.  WTF?  Especially galling is the fact that for the past two weeks, I have been veritably obsessed with eating healthily.  Like tracking my fruit and veg intake, ensuring I am getting a full array of vitamins and minerals, and charting my grocery shopping based on healthy food lists.  I mean, really, who gets a freaking cold when they eat a damn grapefruit a day?  Bastards.  Which reminds me, I need more grapefruit.  And soup.

In other news.  Is there other news?  Workshop is almost over and, while I’ve come out of it with a totally finished essay, I’m sort of feeling like I should have done more.  I did miss one week, though, for the copyediting seminar (which rocked because I’m a dork and love punctuation and spelling.)  Speaking of copyediting, or rather proofreading, I may have some volunteer proofing work coming my way which I am totally psyched about.

Yeah, I have no business trying to communicate right now.  As soon as I have a thought, it gets carried away on a train of mucuous.  Like, for some reason as I’m typing this, I’m thinking about the proper ingredients of risotto because of a copyediting example from that seminar.  And that, of course, is making me hungry for risotto.

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This says it better than I could.  People in Hollywood have been making questionable style decisions for damn ever.  This is not an indication of craziness.  People shave their heads all the freaking time.  Get over it.

Frankly, I think she looks great with a shaved head.

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The Big C

My cousin has cancer.  I tried to think of a clever, concise introduction, but really, that’s it.  She has cancer.  Her doctors found a tumor on her ovary.  She’s 35 and has a beautiful 2 1/2 year old daughter.  The upside–and the word ‘upside’ relating to cancer makes me cringe–is that it’s Stage 1 and has not spread.  She’ll lose her ovary, but that’s likely the extent of it.

Still, this has brought my anxiety about dying while my daughter is young to the fore.  Which means that as soon as I wake up in the morning and as soon as the sun starts to descend, I start the pre-panic where my stomach drops out just a little, like sitting on the back of the school bus going over a hill.  I may have a small-scale attack once a day.  But mostly I’m thrust back into that old ‘are mothers allowed to have anxiety’ pattern of wondering how I can possibly be a good mother when I can’t even deal with a family member being ill without falling apart a little.  How can I take care of a child when I don’t even really know how to handle life?

I’m hoping that I can figure out the magical combination of control-actions to make this all manageable, because right now I don’t know how I’m going to go out and buy stamps tomorrow.

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Maybe it’s the sub-zero temperatures or perhaps the triumph of entering into smokeless month two, but I have suddenly become a dervish of doing new things. First, I cooked salmon last Thursday. Yep, in a skillet with the oil and the spattering and the heat, and without giving anyone food poisoning. This is the second time in my life that I’ve prepared any sort of meat. In fact, I am so miserable and paranoiac a cook that I would have failed home ec if not for the units on babysitting and ironing. At least one of those skills has come in handy since eighth grade. Then yesterday I made hummus from scratch. Today Lucy and I planted some basil, chives, parsley and marjoram (her choice.) Monday I’m signed up for a copyediting seminar. What the frick is up with me? I’m like Betty Fucking Crocker all of a sudden.

And then! Today! When I got back from freezing my arse off on the trip to the grocery! A package from our Kindly Neighbor to the North! That’s right, Snakes and Ladders are in da house. I had forgotten how goddamn long that game took to play. Thankfully this package of wonder also included the best cd ever! Does my excitement come through appropriately, because I’m really really tickled. I’ve listened to Red Lorry Yellow Lorry, Dots, and I’m about to tuck into Raison d’Etre just because I can (and because it’s been an age and a half since I’ve listened to a Cold Meat band.) Thor, thank you so very very very much! I can bemoan my age whilst driving C crazy with darkwave and ensuring that Lucy learns the ‘catch the bat’ dance to proper music. It shan’t be long before I drag out the old mixtapes, I fear. See, C is already complaining! Excellent work!

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So long to the Beautiful South.  It doesn’t really matter, really, just another excuse to pollute the intarwebs with another youtube video.

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