So, you know, it’s like catharsis already, man. I have never felt so unable to get shit out in my entire life. It’s all balling up in my stomach, all of the fear and, well, fear. It’s like writer’s block only it covers absolutely everything.
I’ve been art journaling for the past few weeks. Painting with watercolor, mixed media-y sorts of stuff. And I love it, I really do. But it feels a little like nothing after the initial “hey, I made that!”
I’ve been feeling like dancing but there’s either no space or the living room is full of people and I don’t want an audience, I just want to get some of this ick out of me.
I’ve been feeling like singing too, but the thing about having a musician for a husband, even one as supportive and awesome as mine, is that I am acutely aware that I drop out of tune constantly and go flat constantly and I end up singing half under my breath anyway because I’m embarrassed.
I’ve been writing poetry again. This comes closest to the catharsis of anything but to be honest, I can’t shake the feeling that I need to be producing SOMETHING REMARKABLE ALREADY (aside from the kids who are totally remarkable but seriously, can we do away with the whole making babies as means of expression because I sure as hell didn’t have kids as some sort of performance art/magnum opus deal.)
The other day, yesterday maybe, I went looking for a box in my big basket o stuff in the bedroom. I pulled out lambs wool and yarn for Lucy’s loom, a bag of fabric scraps and practice knitting, and finally tucked into the basket in the back I found my box of herbs and candles and stones for spellcasting. And for a minute after, I marveled at how I always dreamed of having the house where you could dig in a basket and find yarn and batting and lambswool for spinning and a box of witchy stuff.
It’s stuff like that that I want to be able to remember when I’m feeling like maybe I have no business calling myself creative, because this apartment is my creative space and all I have to do is stop judging myself long enough to enjoy it.